I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
