well I can't set my house on fire every night
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
