Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
