So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
