grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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