I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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