ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize