my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
