he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
