So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
