Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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