Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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