i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
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All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
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The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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