Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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