Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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