omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
