no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
