I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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