Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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