his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
