I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
