im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
