when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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