my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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