They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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