I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
