I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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