Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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