Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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