I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
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Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
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You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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