Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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