she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
