So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
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my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
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Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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