youre lurking in front of me
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
