I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Randomize
