Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
