Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
