I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
