apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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