Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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