why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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