Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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