I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
