Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
