Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
