I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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