I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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