the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
