Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
