What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
