"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
