I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
