There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
