What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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