Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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