ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
