If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
